Good evening/morning friends! Depending on when you're reading this, it could be the end of 2017 or the beginning of 2018! Whatever time it is, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As 2017 comes to a close I have spent a significant amount of time reflecting on the past year, as I'm sure most of you have. This year overall, has been a challenge for me - pushing me not only to my limit, but past it, professionally, personally, and spiritually. If I had to sum up the result of all of the events, the highs and lows of the past year - it can be summed up with this....it broke me.
Now, I usually don't get too deep or real or personal on my blog (well let's be honest, I don't usually blog...) because I often feel as if what I have to share and say isn't valuable. There are other teachers, mothers, people out there who are more eloquent, have better ideas, more drive and more knowledge. But I'm writing tonight in the hopes that I reach someone. Just one person maybe. One person who has been through what I've been through or who is going through what I'm going through. Who feels how I feel, to understand that we are not alone.
As teachers, we are naturally inclined to put others first. We love and give of ourselves selflessly and strive to make the lives of those around us better - even at the risk of hurting our own well being. We tend to look at the world with rose colored glasses and just 'see the good' in situations while there are red flags telling us to slow down, step back or walk away staring at us right in the face. We tend to not stop until we are MADE to do so, and even then we are inclined to feel guilty when we do stop and put ourselves first - taking the time we need to rest, recover and heal.
This year was a year of loss for myself and for several people close to me. I watched a friend of mine lose her mother - one of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I watched friends struggle with infertility and strained relationships. One of my best friends of over 20 years dealt with her father being diagnosed with cancer. I lost my grandmother and watched my father lose a parent for the second time. And I fought my way through and for a difficult relationship only to suffer the loss of that relationship - one I had planned a future in. All of this while, as teachers, we deal with the ins and outs of our positions - new curriculum changes, staff changes, struggling and high risk students and families, high expectations of test scores and student progress - while simultaneously being expected to put on a smile and be a source of positive light for our students. I've never known a harder job.
I drove myself mad this year taking care of other people and when I stopped to take care of myself, the guilt I felt was too much. As events happened in my life that brought me to my knees (literally - God and I are really close at this point), I should've taken the time - paused - to take care of myself. Instead, I let the pressures of being a mother and teacher take over and just kept pushing on - thinking this is what I was supposed to do right? That's my job as a mom/teacher - I take care of people. So I kept on keeping on. However, the one thing I wasn't doing was HEALING. And eventually that suffering, due to whatever struggle a person is going through, keeps building and building. And try as you might to push it aside so you can get things done and keep living life - it will catch up to you. I started resenting things. I started resenting my job - the lesson planning, the assessments, the meetings, the sheer task of coming to work everyday. Things I normally LOVED became a source of contention for me. Not because my job changed - because I had. I started resenting my life at home. The grocery shopping, the cleaning, the baths, the homework, the gymnastic practice, etc. The little joys I once felt weren't there anymore. The reason for my resentment. I hadn't taken care of my needs first. I had put everything else before my own well being and I had become resentful. The old saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup." is completely true. I had been sucked bone dry and I was tired of giving.
Life came to head for me in early December one Sunday night. Typically, when using a personal day you are supposed to give the principal 24 hours notice. I have never used a personal day except when it was absolutely necessary - closing on my home, sick children, etc. But on that Sunday evening I called it - I needed a moment for me - I need to pause. I texted my principal that night and told her I needed the next day off. Without hesitation, she said absolutely. I made sub plans and took my kids to school and spent the day with ME. I prayed at one of my favorite grotto's, I took a drive, I shopped, I ate. I did whatever made MY SOUL HAPPY. I needed it. And if we're all honest with ourselves, we don't take enough days like that.
After surviving 2017 (and yes that sounds dramatic, but that's the best way to describe it), one of the biggest lessons I've taken away from this year is that it's OK to not be OK. You don't have to be the perfect teacher/mother/wife/friend/sister all of the time. You don't have to have your life together all of the time - honestly who does? If you know someone, I want their phone number so I can ask HOW?! It's OK to ask for HELP and it's OK to time for YOU. The career path we've chosen is not an easy one. We spend many sleepless nights worrying about other people's children. We are overworked and definitely underpaid. And when life happens on top of it, the stress of it all can be unbearable. That's when you have to learn to cope and rest. You have to take time to pray, or run, or cook (heck, even drink) - whatever you need to do to make you better. And don't for a second feel guilty about it. I guess what I'm trying to say is give yourself some GRACE. Don't hold yourself to a state of perfection, because when life happens, as it always does, you have to allow yourself time to adjust and move forward.
My goals and hopes for 2018 (no, not resolutions since those are notoriously broken) are as follows...
I know there will be more hard days ahead. "God promised to give us our daily bread, but he never said it would be buttered." I know life happens and unexpected curve balls are thrown at us all the time. My hope is that when they are, you take the pause God is giving you. You accept it, take the time you need to heal or cope or handle whatever situation you are in - you deserve to and you will be a better you for doing so.
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